Hurts So Bad
by BlackMagick
Summary: This is in Jesse's POV...his, musings...about Suze, and a little fluff.


**A/N: This is really random, and in Jesse's POV. Very spur of the moment. ; ) It's set during…Haunted, maybe. Use your imagination. He is still a ghost. The song is Hurts so Bad by Anthony…something.**

**Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the song. So please don't sue. **

Hurts So Bad

I watched her from my position on the window seat. She wasn't doing anything, just reading a book. Yet the sight of her sent my heart reeling. I had warned myself not to fall in love with someone alive. Warned myself not to love at all.

But I had.

I'dfallen...

So, so hard.

She didn't do anything. She didn't have to. Just looking at her made me…well, let's not get into that.

I was obsessed with her. I waned to keep track of where she was, to keep her from danger, I waned to be with her, _always_.

Infatuation, I believe they call it.

Or 'stalkerish' as Susannah would put it. Not that I've told her. I think I've done a good job of hiding my feelings.

But it is for the best.

_You're an obsession now_

_Night after night I think so you_

_A little mysterious_

_You're hot like the sun but you're cool like the moon_

If she knew how I felt, how obsessed I was with her, would she run? Would she be angry? She had every right to be. The things I thought about her were not…right. Not gentleman's intentions.

More like one of those…_vaqueros_ that she seems to confuse me with.

Maybe rightly so.

Part of her intrigue was her mystery. She was so closed to everyone. I never knew what exactly she was thinking.

Sometimes, I didn't want to know.

Beauty didn't even begin to describe her. No one could hold a candle to her flame. She was…exquisite. For lack of a better word. Her looks, her personality... Even if I were blind I would feel this way.

Lucky for me, I am not.

Or maybe, unlucky. I am doomed to play out my death forever as someone by her side. The unnoticed _friend._

I wanted to be so much more to her…

_It would be easier_

_If I could only read your mind_

_Not knowing is killing me_

_Are you trying to be cruel coz I'm dying inside_

She turned her head and caught me looking at her. I blushed and looked back to my book.

_Critical Theory Since Plato_.

Not half as interesting as her, but it would do.

I looked back at her, she was still staring at me, her emerald eyes holding a secret as a sly smile crept across her face.

I wanted to know what she was thinking. Presumably, about me. Since she was staring.

But that could have been wishful thinking on my part.

In my hundred and fifty years as a ghost, I've adjusted to people looking through me…literally.

Did she know how she taunted me?

Did she know what she did to my heart, every time she smiled?

Every time she looked at another man, a live one, some small part of me died off as it never had before.

It was so pathetic, a ghost in love with a girl.

A forbidden love.

An unearthed one.

One that would have to stay buried, because it was unreturned.

That night, when I had slipped and kissed her...it had been, truely, one of the best moments of my life. And certainly the highlight of my death.

But...it was not right. I had probably made her angry, as she had every right to be.

Which is why I stayed away for so long. I was afraid to face the inevitable.

The fact that she didn't love me.

_Do you know what you're doing when you walk like that?_

_Do you mean what you're saying when you talk like that?_

_Did you steal my heart because you knew you could?_

_How could something feel so good?_

_When it hurts so bad._

She walked across the room and sat next to me. She gently touched my knee with her hand, unaware that my attention was already on her, and not on my book, like I pretended.

Did she know?

"Hey Jesse."

"Hello querida," I grimaced inwardly when I let the word slip. I saw something flash in her eyes, and scolded myself. It was in my imagination.

She leaned her back against my propped up leg, staring at the ceiling. I felt that familiar twinge in my stomach. It was all I could do to keep myself from grabbing her and kissing her.

Again and again and again…

She doesn't feel like that about you De Silva.

But does she know what she does to me?

And how can it feel so good, to have her touching me, to talk to her, to love her…

When it could tear my heart in two?

_Are you insatiable?_

_How many hearts are on your list?_

_When will you let me know?_

_Am I touching your soul when I'm kissing your lips?_

_Do you believe in love?_

_Or are you making other plans?_

_You're making it hard for me,_

_I know what I'm feeling but I don't understand…_

Is it just me that feels like this about her?

Does she do this to everyone?

I see little hope for men if she does.

She shifted her weight.

"Do you actually like those books?"

_Que?_

"What?"

"You know, like Critical Theory? Is it actually interesting?

"Yes."

Well, it was.

"Pero, no tan interesante como algunas otras cosas podríamos hacer querida."

Oh, thank God I said that in Spanish.

She looked at me quizzically, "what?"

"It's interesting Susannah." I tried desperately to keep a blush off my face.

"Ah."

"So…what other things do you think are interesting?"

Oh, did she understand me? Nombre de Dios…

"I don't know," a smile crept across my lips. She leaned forward off my leg and turned around facing me. I leaned closer to her, just inches away, "lots of things."

Did she love me too?

Sometimes…it was like she did. But was I just something to play with? Another heart to break?

I know what I wanted, but would she accept it?

No. Forbidden…even if it was there, our love could never be.

I started to lean back, but she brushed her lips across mine gently. I froze up.

_What can I do to make you understand?_

_You've got to know you're my one and only,_

_You're all that I need baby, all that I have,_

_How can it hurt so bad?_

I looked down at her smiling face.

She liked me…But did she love me?

How could I make her understand? In the twenty years I was alive, I found no one that was like her. No one close.

She was my only one.

She was everything I wanted, everything I couldn't have.

It was a forbidden love.

Could I make her understand?

**A/N: What did you think? Please review…I know, I ended it almost…sadly. But I think it worked. Hopefully.**

**The spanish is, "not as interesting as other things we could do sweetheart."**

**So review…but try not to flame me too bad. **


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